Nip / Tuck Season Premiere: It's All About the Vah-Jay-Jay

Finally, Nip / Tuck is back. And it's just as bizarre as ever. The oddly and creepily-narrated season premiere finds Doctors McNamara and Troy suffering the effects of the economic downturn. To make matters worse, Christian's scorned wife Lizzy decides to take him to the cleaners with a high-profile divorce lawyer at her side, and his beloved yacht is seized just because he missed a few payments. I feel your pain, Dr. Troy. I just hate it when that happens.

Rose McGowan is an interesting re-cast as Dr. McNamara's anesthesiologist girlfriend, Teddy. What I found puzzling, though, is that it almost seems the character has been not only re-cast, but completely re-worked. (Are we supposed to forget that Teddy is a deeply disturbed murderess and accept her new loyal and loving girlfriend act just because she's now a brunette?)

Interspersed personal dramas aside, the main takeaway for me was the re-introduction of Mario Lopez as Dr. Mike Hamoui, playing a new addition to the practice. Dr. Mike is a good-looking, smooth-talking Don Juan of a surgeon who specializes in performing only one procedure -- vaginal rejuvenation. The fun really begins when the doctors decide to capitalize on this niche market by producing a late-night-TV infomercial touting the "new" procedure they've developed, which they're calling the "vaginal uplift".  In the commercial, the three surgeons appear shirtless on the sand surrounded by a bevy of buxom (no doubt surgically enhanced) beach babes. And can we talk about the multiple gratuitous crotch-focused camera shots (see photo) which are presumably there just in case we didn't fully understand what the word "vaginal" means)?

Other highlights: The infomercial does manage to bring in at least one new patient -- a man who is looking for "that six-pack surgery" (liposculpture of the abdominal area) so he can look like Dr. Mike without his shirt on. Liz and Christian get into a nasty fight in the middle of a surgery. Matt holds up a coffee shop with a toy gun (in full mime-face, no less). Lizzy's divorce lawyer offers Christian an indecent proposal. And Dr. Mike talks a woman into the vaginal rejuvenation procedure by means of blatant seduction.

A couple of graphic surgery scenes later (including one in which the stressed and sleep-deprived Dr. McNamara leaves a surgical instrument inside of a tummy tuck patient), it was over. And I was left wishing for a 2-hour season premiere.

Lessons learned from the Nip / Tuck Season Premiere?

1. Make sure your plastic surgeon is not currently suffering from acute insomnia.
2. Ask if your anesthesiologist and surgeon are romantically involved. If they are, make sure they're not currently mad at each other.
3. If your surgeon starts stripping his own clothes off during your consultation, just walk away.

See plastic surgery before and after photos.